The feelings flood

Last week was a flood of feelings. 

We simultaneously danced between my 6th grader heading to Outdoor Ed with his class, baby number 3, turning 3 (!) and our 16 year old Junior ending a fantastic tennis season along with homecoming festivities; that turned into a hustle and bustle on the schedule. This was over the course of 4 days. Have mercy! How did we survive?

I was thinking of all of the things that come our way that are out of our control. And how we are refreshed and renewed by putting our focus on remaining close to God through prayer and Bible study time.

Things certainly fall apart when there is no buffered time in the schedule for worship.

My heart is heavy as I type this. We have a fresh 3 year old, testing limits. Likely related to being overstimulated from all of our activity. However, I am trying to instill some renewal time on this rainy Monday which looks a lot like catching up. The older two are off at school. I have an anxious heart knowing my 6th grader did not at all enjoy Outdoor Ed due to some unfortunate behavior of a few students in his dorm and he's at school today facing those giants that linger in our life right now, as I am in contact with the school to file a report.

There is heaviness that I'm praying through.

To add to the busy and to change the subject just a bit. I'm leading a small group on Thursdays. We are currently studying Gideon (incase anyone is looking for a study, I highly recommend "Gideon: Your Weakness. God's Strength" by Priscilla Shirer). Our church has an initiative for stronger fellowship and has called on the small group leaders to share in this and go to a few, outside of worship, meeting times. Yesterday was one of them. I sat in a room full of other wonderful and wise Christians. Though I am in the seat of "leader" I didn't choose that position, it chose me and I've been trying to just roll with it. However, yesterday, on the heels of being tired from our string of festive days, I was feeling defeated or perhaps seriously questioning whether I was in the right place. This is what surrender looks like to me. If you have found yourself in a similar position, I want to share some truth. God fills in where you aren't capable.  Self doubt may still creep in (it certainly does in my case!) I find myself feeling ill-equipped and if I'm honest, I want to step away and ask someone "better" to fill my shoes. I won't though. We don't need perfect leaders. In fact, I find it incredibly refreshing when there is a humility in a leader. A raw authenticity, a willingness to share vulnerable things. It makes leaders more relatable. Can I become a better small group leader? YES! Absolutely! Should I walk away because I feel out of my league; absolutely not!

While sitting in church yesterday, these words came to mind:

When the things of this world that have clouded my eyes are stripped away; I can see you Lord clear as the sun on a blue sky day.

When I push away all that's invaded my life and my mind, all that is left is YOU, God. 
I press in to cling to you, the way, the truth and the life. 

In the past I might have trudged on, trying to stifle my emotions. Now I sit with them, have coffee with them, pray over them and then release them to God, to allow Him to finish them.
I'm currently in the coffee and prayer process and I find it important to speak from this place too, instead of always speaking from the finish line where hindsight occurs. You see, the hindsight is great, but how about documenting the messy part too? My prayer is that bitterness and hatred don't grow bigger than necessary and instead grace flows out through the cracks and the pain and the light shines through the darkness. As promised in John 1:5-16 "The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it" There was a man sent from God, whose name was John. He came as a witness, to bear witness about the light, that all might believe through him. He was not the light, but came to bear witness about the light. The true light, which gives light to everyone, was coming in the world. He was in the world, and the world was made through him, yet the world did not know him. He came to his own, and his own people did not receive him. But to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God, who were born, not of blood nor of the will of the flesh not of the will of man, but of God. And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth. (John bore witness about him, and cried out, "This was he of whom I said, 'He who comes after me ranks before me, because he was before me.'") For from his fullness, we have all received grace upon grace."