Walking aches

I have a consistent nagging at my heart.
My kids well being.
It's a big undertaking to raise a family.
I admit, it does consume me sometimes.
This is one of those times.

My oldest is a Junior in high school, my middle is a 6th grader at a new school and my youngest is in a parents morning out program as a newly turned 3 year old. Every time my kids are at school, I have to surrender them to the Lord.
We are in a season where the world isn't super kind to them. Being a new student is rough and I can't tell you how many times I've heard my son tell me he has no friends over the last few months. Breaks. My. Heart!
My daughter has established friendships, but it's been a rough few years as she works through a friendship that isn't the most healthy. Friendships change and she looks for people who enjoy what she enjoys. (She rides horses, anyone who's kid's ride horses know the strength of this passion. It's amazing in SO MANY WAYS, grows responsibility and leadership, but there is a sort of isolation that comes with the territory because you are primarily working with animals and it's not really a "team sport". Many kids her age "don't get it") I look at baby number 3 and think, "don't ever grow up my love!!" He's so sweet and innocent and "the world" hasn't gotten to him yet.

We are created to be unique: one-of-a-kind.
Middle school in particular isn't super kind to individuality.
My 6th grader is through and through one-of-a-kind. He's an old soul, very outgoing and happy go lucky. He's also sarcastic (sometimes at inappropriate times) he likes to rub elbows with adults who appreciate his humor. His peers though, aren't as encouraging and he's shut down as being "annoying". True honesty, I don't know many 11 year old boys who aren't annoying. God love 'em!!
I find it to be pretty normal, yet it's an ache we work through.

Walking aches. Aches over how my kids are treated. Aches over how my kids respond when I'm not there. Aches over how it is affecting their souls.

I try to balance loving them hard (since truly, aside from God, NO ONE can love them like their family can) and also giving them independence to spread their wings. It's agonizing for me. Can you relate?

Our oldest is at an age where she is mostly making her own decisions, I encourage her to live boldly, and remind her (in her perfectionist ways) that mistakes will happen and the art of a good apology is a necessary piece of life.

These seasons of learning and growing, are not easy. There is a lot of breaking of the heart and then our good Father in Heaven, shapes it back together to look more like Jesus. Sorrow, lament, it's honestly quite normal. I don't like it very much; it's vulnerable to share the shattered pieces of the heart, but I truly believe it holds a worthy spot in our story.

From sadness; compassion grows. From trials; perseverance grows. From struggles; wisdom grows.

I just pray from these battles they experience, their hearts remain steadfast in the Lord. That is truly the only way to survive living in this world. And there are times where they are distant from Him. I look back when I was their age and I certainly was distant from Him as well! I look at them and just cherish the gift they are.
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I have to share what just happened. God is so good!

I "saved" this post to be published in the future. Closed my computer and started my devotion time.

If you've been reading my blog, the last post was about my just concluded study on Gideon. My small group and I have decided on our next study; "Trustworthy" by Lysa Terkeurst .

I literally just finished typing about my "walking aches" and picked up "Trustworthy" to start reading the introduction.

I'm going to quote a few paragraphs from the book, Lysa is describing a scene in her house that's under renovation and relating it to her heart.

"The demolition was not a sign of irreparable problems. It was a sign of intentional progress. But I couldn't say the same about the busted up places in my heart. Not right now. Not yet.

When I stood and looked in the mirror, my demolished heart wasn't quite as easy to see as the walls in my house. The brokenness certainly revealed things, but they weren't as easy to identify as pipes and wires. They were strange threads of fear, anxiety, shock, trauma, and distrust.

Distrust. There it was. The biggest of all the issues that resided beneath my surface. The ripping open and exposing of my heart had certainly revealed something I needed to see but didn't dare want to admit.

About me. About God. And about my utter lack of trust in Him."

Whoa. I hear you God.

I can't wait to read more of this study and listen to God as he mends my broken heart.