Walking aches

I have a consistent nagging at my heart.
My kids well being.
It's a big undertaking to raise a family.
I admit, it does consume me sometimes.
This is one of those times.

My oldest is a Junior in high school, my middle is a 6th grader at a new school and my youngest is in a parents morning out program as a newly turned 3 year old. Every time my kids are at school, I have to surrender them to the Lord.
We are in a season where the world isn't super kind to them. Being a new student is rough and I can't tell you how many times I've heard my son tell me he has no friends over the last few months. Breaks. My. Heart!
My daughter has established friendships, but it's been a rough few years as she works through a friendship that isn't the most healthy. Friendships change and she looks for people who enjoy what she enjoys. (She rides horses, anyone who's kid's ride horses know the strength of this passion. It's amazing in SO MANY WAYS, grows responsibility and leadership, but there is a sort of isolation that comes with the territory because you are primarily working with animals and it's not really a "team sport". Many kids her age "don't get it") I look at baby number 3 and think, "don't ever grow up my love!!" He's so sweet and innocent and "the world" hasn't gotten to him yet.

We are created to be unique: one-of-a-kind.
Middle school in particular isn't super kind to individuality.
My 6th grader is through and through one-of-a-kind. He's an old soul, very outgoing and happy go lucky. He's also sarcastic (sometimes at inappropriate times) he likes to rub elbows with adults who appreciate his humor. His peers though, aren't as encouraging and he's shut down as being "annoying". True honesty, I don't know many 11 year old boys who aren't annoying. God love 'em!!
I find it to be pretty normal, yet it's an ache we work through.

Walking aches. Aches over how my kids are treated. Aches over how my kids respond when I'm not there. Aches over how it is affecting their souls.

I try to balance loving them hard (since truly, aside from God, NO ONE can love them like their family can) and also giving them independence to spread their wings. It's agonizing for me. Can you relate?

Our oldest is at an age where she is mostly making her own decisions, I encourage her to live boldly, and remind her (in her perfectionist ways) that mistakes will happen and the art of a good apology is a necessary piece of life.

These seasons of learning and growing, are not easy. There is a lot of breaking of the heart and then our good Father in Heaven, shapes it back together to look more like Jesus. Sorrow, lament, it's honestly quite normal. I don't like it very much; it's vulnerable to share the shattered pieces of the heart, but I truly believe it holds a worthy spot in our story.

From sadness; compassion grows. From trials; perseverance grows. From struggles; wisdom grows.

I just pray from these battles they experience, their hearts remain steadfast in the Lord. That is truly the only way to survive living in this world. And there are times where they are distant from Him. I look back when I was their age and I certainly was distant from Him as well! I look at them and just cherish the gift they are.
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I have to share what just happened. God is so good!

I "saved" this post to be published in the future. Closed my computer and started my devotion time.

If you've been reading my blog, the last post was about my just concluded study on Gideon. My small group and I have decided on our next study; "Trustworthy" by Lysa Terkeurst .

I literally just finished typing about my "walking aches" and picked up "Trustworthy" to start reading the introduction.

I'm going to quote a few paragraphs from the book, Lysa is describing a scene in her house that's under renovation and relating it to her heart.

"The demolition was not a sign of irreparable problems. It was a sign of intentional progress. But I couldn't say the same about the busted up places in my heart. Not right now. Not yet.

When I stood and looked in the mirror, my demolished heart wasn't quite as easy to see as the walls in my house. The brokenness certainly revealed things, but they weren't as easy to identify as pipes and wires. They were strange threads of fear, anxiety, shock, trauma, and distrust.

Distrust. There it was. The biggest of all the issues that resided beneath my surface. The ripping open and exposing of my heart had certainly revealed something I needed to see but didn't dare want to admit.

About me. About God. And about my utter lack of trust in Him."

Whoa. I hear you God.

I can't wait to read more of this study and listen to God as he mends my broken heart.

Gideon: Your weakness. God's STRENGTH

I just completed the Gideon Bible Study by Priscilla Shirer. Have you done this study?

The group I lead on Thursdays, it's more of a fellowship group, with the backbone of a study or a book we choose to dig into deeper. Our purpose is to get together and be there for each other every week throughout the school year. This group means a lot to me, so I try to choose books that will really help us grow as individuals and as a group.

Gideon, particularly this study, was one I started with a different study group, but when I had baby number 3, I didn't quite get to finish it. It's been 3 years since baby number 3 was born and it's been calling my name for quite some time. Fun fact: we even named our cat Gideon when we brought him home a little over a year ago!

The book I ordered off of Amazon was a used book, so imagine this:

Person number 1 has the book and took a few notes in it here and there. Person number 2 (ME!) started it in 2016 and took some notes. Now, person number 2 (me; round 2) goes back to finish. There is so much that has changed in my perceptions of what these questions are really asking. And every time I see the writing from person number 1, I pray for them, whomever and where ever they are, they are covered in prayer. I find that to be pretty cool. 

Gideon is an interesting character. Gideon is found by an angel with a message from God that he is going to deliver Israel from under the hand of Midian. Judges 6:7-12: "When they cried out to the Lord because of Midian, the Lord sent a prophet to the Israelites. He said, "This is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says: I brought you up out of slavery in Egypt. I rescued you from the Egyptians and from all who oppressed you. I drove out your enemies and gave you their land. I told you, 'I am the Lord your God. You must not worship the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you now live. ' But you have not listened to me."
Then the Angel of the Lord came and sat beneath the great tree at Ophrah, which belonged to Joash of the clan of Abiezer. Gideon son of Joash was threshing wheat at the bottom of the winepress to hide the grain from the Midianites. The angel of the Lord appeared to him and said, "Mighty hero, the Lord is with you!"

Gideon was quite apprehensive at first. Imagine being tucked away in your laundry room, working away at your daily "mundane" tasks and then all of a sudden; a call to battle! It seems impossible doesn't it?? Or atleast you may wonder if you are hearing that call and is it really for you??

Yet, God, chipped away at Gideon, he chipped away at the people he placed in line to help and from the looks of things, it would not end well, yet...spoiler alert... they had a victory! Full story can be found in the book of Judges 6-8.

This is a big accomplishment and yes, Gideon did let it go to his head a little bit, but ultimately, God's work was done.

Where does this leave us?

I will tell you where it left me.

I've wrestled with the questions :

"Am I fulfilling God's will as He's calling me to do, or am I putting my own spin on what I think I hear?"

"Am I doing what I do, to give God all of the glory, or am I doing what I do for accolades?"

These are not easy questions. My hope is that God gets all of the glory all of the time, but I am human and I know that even if I think God is getting all of the glory, there has to be a glimmer of pride growing deep down and I want to keep a handle on it. So I wrestle.

The way the study was outlined is truly brilliant. We learned facts about Gideon. Relate able facts. As we moved through, I could put myself in Gideon's "sandals" (as the author
, Priscilla words it). I also was able to look more deeply at the idols I carry in my life. I can honestly say I haven't built alters like the Israelites did, but I certainly have smaller scale idols. We all do and they put a wedge between our hearts and God's Will. Honestly, it's good to look at what's holding you captive and putting distance between you and God and then look at it and tear it down.

"Your weakness. God's STRENGTH" is really highlighted as we looked at the tools God gave Gideon to fight the Midianites and the small size of his army, in comparison with the opposing team. Do you ever feel that way? Like the tools you have just don't measure up? Does it discourage you? Do you trust God to work with whatever you have? I dance between the two on a fairly regular basis. It's good to have light brought to the facts in our days. Once we are aware of what we are working with, God is free in our lives to do what He does best!

I had a fantastic revelation yesterday when I finished the Gideon study and then it was solidified in church. I love when the pieces fall together and in true fashion of the purpose of this blog, I will share with you what that revelation was.

The Gideon study uses hashtags at the end of each day. Sort of a summary of what you learned in a hashtag. My hashtags yesterday were:

#God will (is) demonstrate His Strength THROUGH ME (Because He is IN ME)

#convertGoodIntentionsintoObedientActions.

This study gave me confidence in KNOWING God is IN ME and will work THROUGH ME to shine His light upon the world.

Do you ever wonder if what you have in you is enough to accomplish what you are being asked to do? I find that to be a road block for me sometimes. I know God is leading me, yet I don't yet have the confidence to believe He will carry me all the way through sometimes. It's this tangible surrender from control to freedom. So it's a good struggle, but I needed confirmation that God is already IN me, and this study broke that chain for me. If you know Christ and have given your life to Him, He LIVES IN YOU. It's true. Scripture backs it up, we have to keep reading and believing truth and then it just clicks one day. One regular, unassuming, mundane day, it clicks.

The feelings flood

Last week was a flood of feelings. 

We simultaneously danced between my 6th grader heading to Outdoor Ed with his class, baby number 3, turning 3 (!) and our 16 year old Junior ending a fantastic tennis season along with homecoming festivities; that turned into a hustle and bustle on the schedule. This was over the course of 4 days. Have mercy! How did we survive?

I was thinking of all of the things that come our way that are out of our control. And how we are refreshed and renewed by putting our focus on remaining close to God through prayer and Bible study time.

Things certainly fall apart when there is no buffered time in the schedule for worship.

My heart is heavy as I type this. We have a fresh 3 year old, testing limits. Likely related to being overstimulated from all of our activity. However, I am trying to instill some renewal time on this rainy Monday which looks a lot like catching up. The older two are off at school. I have an anxious heart knowing my 6th grader did not at all enjoy Outdoor Ed due to some unfortunate behavior of a few students in his dorm and he's at school today facing those giants that linger in our life right now, as I am in contact with the school to file a report.

There is heaviness that I'm praying through.

To add to the busy and to change the subject just a bit. I'm leading a small group on Thursdays. We are currently studying Gideon (incase anyone is looking for a study, I highly recommend "Gideon: Your Weakness. God's Strength" by Priscilla Shirer). Our church has an initiative for stronger fellowship and has called on the small group leaders to share in this and go to a few, outside of worship, meeting times. Yesterday was one of them. I sat in a room full of other wonderful and wise Christians. Though I am in the seat of "leader" I didn't choose that position, it chose me and I've been trying to just roll with it. However, yesterday, on the heels of being tired from our string of festive days, I was feeling defeated or perhaps seriously questioning whether I was in the right place. This is what surrender looks like to me. If you have found yourself in a similar position, I want to share some truth. God fills in where you aren't capable.  Self doubt may still creep in (it certainly does in my case!) I find myself feeling ill-equipped and if I'm honest, I want to step away and ask someone "better" to fill my shoes. I won't though. We don't need perfect leaders. In fact, I find it incredibly refreshing when there is a humility in a leader. A raw authenticity, a willingness to share vulnerable things. It makes leaders more relatable. Can I become a better small group leader? YES! Absolutely! Should I walk away because I feel out of my league; absolutely not!

While sitting in church yesterday, these words came to mind:

When the things of this world that have clouded my eyes are stripped away; I can see you Lord clear as the sun on a blue sky day.

When I push away all that's invaded my life and my mind, all that is left is YOU, God. 
I press in to cling to you, the way, the truth and the life. 

In the past I might have trudged on, trying to stifle my emotions. Now I sit with them, have coffee with them, pray over them and then release them to God, to allow Him to finish them.
I'm currently in the coffee and prayer process and I find it important to speak from this place too, instead of always speaking from the finish line where hindsight occurs. You see, the hindsight is great, but how about documenting the messy part too? My prayer is that bitterness and hatred don't grow bigger than necessary and instead grace flows out through the cracks and the pain and the light shines through the darkness. As promised in John 1:5-16 "The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it" There was a man sent from God, whose name was John. He came as a witness, to bear witness about the light, that all might believe through him. He was not the light, but came to bear witness about the light. The true light, which gives light to everyone, was coming in the world. He was in the world, and the world was made through him, yet the world did not know him. He came to his own, and his own people did not receive him. But to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God, who were born, not of blood nor of the will of the flesh not of the will of man, but of God. And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth. (John bore witness about him, and cried out, "This was he of whom I said, 'He who comes after me ranks before me, because he was before me.'") For from his fullness, we have all received grace upon grace."

The Battle Against Easy

Our society has systematically engaged in the impulse within us. The “don’t want to” aspect of our brains. The “serve it on a silver platter or I don’t want it” perspective.
I’ll tell you something, easy IS better in the moment.
As a busy mom, I want easy most of the time. Easy dinner, easy clean up, easy bedtime, easy, all of it.
And then I realize, easy is an invitation to move faster; more mindlessly. Promoting a lack of feelings as we skip through our days as blindly as possible to avoid emotions. Until we are at a pace that’s unsustainable. We wonder why our lives are full of angst. We crave a quiet minute so we give our kids the “impulse at the fingertips” electronic of choice that can open up the world within seconds to their developing brains. Yes, they are quiet. They are captivated. A moment of peace. Fabricated by the peace thief.
I’m quite convinced we are making the problem bigger.
It’s time to begin the battle against easy.
Ironically, It will not be easy.
Infact it will be downright exhausting.
Battle through.
You are undoing all that’s been done on a level of subtlety.
Crawling out of the grave we dug.
True peace ensues little by little as the habits of ease are broken one by one.
You may feel you are the only one, trust me there are more like you. Find support, you will need it. Otherwise you will want to sneak back to the easy road. You will question your sanity as you go against the monstrous perpetual battle of information that’s inundated our lives. If it’s not electronics, it’s the pace of our communities. Work, sports, the board room meetings, whatever it is, it’s betraying you. It’s convinced you, you can’t sit still. Once you try, you find it to be almost painful. Your brain is used to this overstimulated; over-exhausted, hamster wheel of go go go. Sit through it. Solitude awaits. There’s no easy way to peace, it’s a battle to the finish line. As you near it though, you see glimmers of what’s to come. It’s appealing but seems unattainable, like the never ending hallway that only comes in your nightmares. It’s something you can reach. Keep going, stand firm. This way is a better way. It’s the hard earned grit way. Our souls will thank us. Our stressed out maximum capacity bodies will thank us. Your finances will thank you because you are no longer paying for your coping juice of choice and your Dr will begin telling you you are looking younger and younger. That’s the secret, lowering your stress. You will find you have more time to do the things that matter like build relationships instead of being a slave to the grind. We are deceived to think we can only handle what’s down the easy road, and that may be true if you’re trying to do life in your own strength. Philippians 4:13 says “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.” We don’t have to do anything outside of our comfort in our own strength but we do have to ask the One who created us, to go before us; alongside us and behind us to help do the things that are hard. It’s a choice. Choose easy for the time being; or choose to enter the battle and come out on the other side free of the weights you’ve been shackled by for who knows how long. Will you make that choice?

Can you recover?

No matter what it is, we all have something that we think perhaps we won’t recover from. 

A wound that doesn’t heal, something we think God just can’t forgive us for. 

God can use ALL things for the good of those who love Him. 

All things. 

Even the heinous things your mind has deceived you to think was something you couldn’t recover from. A life forever changed. It can turn around. 

It can. 

Believe it. 

❤️

Read this Scripture from Romans 8 to further under this concept 😘

“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience. Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified.”

Romans 8:18-30 ESV

F R E E

Does the ownership of your accumulated material possessions stress you out?
Do you live with a lot of clutter? Are your closets full?
We've been in our new house for 4 years now. When we moved, we came from our "starter" home.
I thought I had a lot of stuff then, but then we moved here, one extra bedroom, a larger basement, a huge garage (my husband needed a place to store his materials since he's an Electrician).
Everything that felt huge when we first moved in is suddenly full. We accumulated more "stuff" and now, I feel as though we are running out of space.

Some time ago, I began selling clothes and house items at local resale shops. I still do. I make an appointment, bring in a huge bin of items, and come home with about 40% of the items I started with. The stores can take some of this "stuff" off my hands, but they can't take everything, and then it leaves me with, what do I do with it now? Sell it on my own? Donate it? But where??? All of these things I think about because I made a choice to purchase something I "needed".

We started a financial course years ago, and it was suggested we try to sell everything we don't need. In turn we would raise money to throw at any debt we had.

It was a great idea in theory. Selling items can be quite a task, almost like a job! Have you tried it?? Yes, facebook groups sure makes it easy. Often times you post an item for sale, set it on your porch and the consumer picks it up while leaving money at the door. It's great! When. it. works. :) Some items, people don't buy. And then goes on the process. What do I do with it now?? Donate? But where??

Have you noticed, if you offer something for free at the curb, someone will pick it up 99.9999% of the time?

One of my favorite quotes is "No one has ever become poor by giving" by the beautifully insightful Anne Frank. 

Yes, selling items you don't need is a great way to "recycle" some of the money you've invested in those items. However, there is something that happens inside of us when we simply give something away, without expectation of anything in return.

Something happens on the heart level. We become a little more like Jesus. There is a little more generosity in this world. A little less ownership of material possessions. A little more trust that our Father will provide for our needs as they arise.

The truth is, these items we posses, they aren't truly ours anyway. We've been blessed with the funds to purchase them. We've been blessed with the work that provided the funds. It's not ours. So why do we carry so much pride in our materials?
Why do we stress over keeping what we don't need? For fear we may need it someday and not have it?

I'm suggesting today, that you look at what you have, and see perhaps how those items could bless someone else, with no baggage attached. No expectations, no price tag, just give it away for free.

In return, you have a little more FREE-dom in your heart :)

Heart positioning

An example of how Scripture speaks to us personally when we bring our troubles to God....

Yesterday I was dealing with some disappointment. I had gotten up, dressed and ready to visit a prayer group that I had heard about a few days before. I was stepping out of my comfort zone to go, meeting new people is a little uneasy sometimes. I prayed through anxiety on the way and when I got to the restaurant; no one was there. I didn’t know what to think; I was disappointed that no one was there but slightly relieved at the same time. But also still bummed because here I was dressed with no where to go at 7:15 on a Sunday morning.

I called my husband who was home with our three kids and told him I was going to bring some bagels home for everyone. He shared he wasn’t in the mood for bagels and suggested going out to breakfast with the kids. My heart that morning was prepared for prayer time and breakfast with ladies my age; which didn’t happen and now my husband was suggesting we rush out the door with our three kids, visit a restaurant that’s not my favorite, while still making it to church on time...I will admit I had some tears falling when I hung up the phone, in the past; I would fight my tears, but I’ve learned God sees them fall and wants to comfort me. So I brought those emotions to Him. I shared my tears with God and then pulled out my Bible.

When I pick up my Bible I pray for
direction.
“What will you have me read right now Lord?”

I found myself in 1 Corinthians 13
“The way of love”

Verse 4-7: “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it’s not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong doing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things”

“It does not insist on its own way...”
This was my eye opener. I had my heart positioned all wrong. It was going against my husband’s sweet, thoughtful offer to take the spontaneous opportunity to enjoy a breakfast out with my family on a Sunday morning. My disappointment and selfishness were not going to win. Love won!