I have a consistent nagging at my heart.
My kids well being.
It's a big undertaking to raise a family.
I admit, it does consume me sometimes.
This is one of those times.
My oldest is a Junior in high school, my middle is a 6th grader at a new school and my youngest is in a parents morning out program as a newly turned 3 year old. Every time my kids are at school, I have to surrender them to the Lord.
We are in a season where the world isn't super kind to them. Being a new student is rough and I can't tell you how many times I've heard my son tell me he has no friends over the last few months. Breaks. My. Heart!
My daughter has established friendships, but it's been a rough few years as she works through a friendship that isn't the most healthy. Friendships change and she looks for people who enjoy what she enjoys. (She rides horses, anyone who's kid's ride horses know the strength of this passion. It's amazing in SO MANY WAYS, grows responsibility and leadership, but there is a sort of isolation that comes with the territory because you are primarily working with animals and it's not really a "team sport". Many kids her age "don't get it") I look at baby number 3 and think, "don't ever grow up my love!!" He's so sweet and innocent and "the world" hasn't gotten to him yet.
We are created to be unique: one-of-a-kind.
Middle school in particular isn't super kind to individuality.
My 6th grader is through and through one-of-a-kind. He's an old soul, very outgoing and happy go lucky. He's also sarcastic (sometimes at inappropriate times) he likes to rub elbows with adults who appreciate his humor. His peers though, aren't as encouraging and he's shut down as being "annoying". True honesty, I don't know many 11 year old boys who aren't annoying. God love 'em!!
I find it to be pretty normal, yet it's an ache we work through.
Walking aches. Aches over how my kids are treated. Aches over how my kids respond when I'm not there. Aches over how it is affecting their souls.
I try to balance loving them hard (since truly, aside from God, NO ONE can love them like their family can) and also giving them independence to spread their wings. It's agonizing for me. Can you relate?
Our oldest is at an age where she is mostly making her own decisions, I encourage her to live boldly, and remind her (in her perfectionist ways) that mistakes will happen and the art of a good apology is a necessary piece of life.
These seasons of learning and growing, are not easy. There is a lot of breaking of the heart and then our good Father in Heaven, shapes it back together to look more like Jesus. Sorrow, lament, it's honestly quite normal. I don't like it very much; it's vulnerable to share the shattered pieces of the heart, but I truly believe it holds a worthy spot in our story.
From sadness; compassion grows. From trials; perseverance grows. From struggles; wisdom grows.
I just pray from these battles they experience, their hearts remain steadfast in the Lord. That is truly the only way to survive living in this world. And there are times where they are distant from Him. I look back when I was their age and I certainly was distant from Him as well! I look at them and just cherish the gift they are.
.
.
.
I have to share what just happened. God is so good!
I "saved" this post to be published in the future. Closed my computer and started my devotion time.
If you've been reading my blog, the last post was about my just concluded study on Gideon. My small group and I have decided on our next study; "Trustworthy" by Lysa Terkeurst .
I literally just finished typing about my "walking aches" and picked up "Trustworthy" to start reading the introduction.
I'm going to quote a few paragraphs from the book, Lysa is describing a scene in her house that's under renovation and relating it to her heart.
"The demolition was not a sign of irreparable problems. It was a sign of intentional progress. But I couldn't say the same about the busted up places in my heart. Not right now. Not yet.
When I stood and looked in the mirror, my demolished heart wasn't quite as easy to see as the walls in my house. The brokenness certainly revealed things, but they weren't as easy to identify as pipes and wires. They were strange threads of fear, anxiety, shock, trauma, and distrust.
Distrust. There it was. The biggest of all the issues that resided beneath my surface. The ripping open and exposing of my heart had certainly revealed something I needed to see but didn't dare want to admit.
About me. About God. And about my utter lack of trust in Him."
Whoa. I hear you God.
I can't wait to read more of this study and listen to God as he mends my broken heart.
Sunday, November 17, 2019
Monday, November 11, 2019
Gideon: Your weakness. God's STRENGTH
I just completed the Gideon Bible Study by Priscilla Shirer. Have you done this study?
The group I lead on Thursdays, it's more of a fellowship group, with the backbone of a study or a book we choose to dig into deeper. Our purpose is to get together and be there for each other every week throughout the school year. This group means a lot to me, so I try to choose books that will really help us grow as individuals and as a group.
Gideon, particularly this study, was one I started with a different study group, but when I had baby number 3, I didn't quite get to finish it. It's been 3 years since baby number 3 was born and it's been calling my name for quite some time. Fun fact: we even named our cat Gideon when we brought him home a little over a year ago!
The book I ordered off of Amazon was a used book, so imagine this:
Person number 1 has the book and took a few notes in it here and there. Person number 2 (ME!) started it in 2016 and took some notes. Now, person number 2 (me; round 2) goes back to finish. There is so much that has changed in my perceptions of what these questions are really asking. And every time I see the writing from person number 1, I pray for them, whomever and where ever they are, they are covered in prayer. I find that to be pretty cool.
Gideon is an interesting character. Gideon is found by an angel with a message from God that he is going to deliver Israel from under the hand of Midian. Judges 6:7-12: "When they cried out to the Lord because of Midian, the Lord sent a prophet to the Israelites. He said, "This is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says: I brought you up out of slavery in Egypt. I rescued you from the Egyptians and from all who oppressed you. I drove out your enemies and gave you their land. I told you, 'I am the Lord your God. You must not worship the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you now live. ' But you have not listened to me."
Then the Angel of the Lord came and sat beneath the great tree at Ophrah, which belonged to Joash of the clan of Abiezer. Gideon son of Joash was threshing wheat at the bottom of the winepress to hide the grain from the Midianites. The angel of the Lord appeared to him and said, "Mighty hero, the Lord is with you!"
Gideon was quite apprehensive at first. Imagine being tucked away in your laundry room, working away at your daily "mundane" tasks and then all of a sudden; a call to battle! It seems impossible doesn't it?? Or atleast you may wonder if you are hearing that call and is it really for you??
Yet, God, chipped away at Gideon, he chipped away at the people he placed in line to help and from the looks of things, it would not end well, yet...spoiler alert... they had a victory! Full story can be found in the book of Judges 6-8.
This is a big accomplishment and yes, Gideon did let it go to his head a little bit, but ultimately, God's work was done.
Where does this leave us?
I will tell you where it left me.
I've wrestled with the questions :
"Am I fulfilling God's will as He's calling me to do, or am I putting my own spin on what I think I hear?"
"Am I doing what I do, to give God all of the glory, or am I doing what I do for accolades?"
These are not easy questions. My hope is that God gets all of the glory all of the time, but I am human and I know that even if I think God is getting all of the glory, there has to be a glimmer of pride growing deep down and I want to keep a handle on it. So I wrestle.
The way the study was outlined is truly brilliant. We learned facts about Gideon. Relate able facts. As we moved through, I could put myself in Gideon's "sandals" (as the author
, Priscilla words it). I also was able to look more deeply at the idols I carry in my life. I can honestly say I haven't built alters like the Israelites did, but I certainly have smaller scale idols. We all do and they put a wedge between our hearts and God's Will. Honestly, it's good to look at what's holding you captive and putting distance between you and God and then look at it and tear it down.
"Your weakness. God's STRENGTH" is really highlighted as we looked at the tools God gave Gideon to fight the Midianites and the small size of his army, in comparison with the opposing team. Do you ever feel that way? Like the tools you have just don't measure up? Does it discourage you? Do you trust God to work with whatever you have? I dance between the two on a fairly regular basis. It's good to have light brought to the facts in our days. Once we are aware of what we are working with, God is free in our lives to do what He does best!
I had a fantastic revelation yesterday when I finished the Gideon study and then it was solidified in church. I love when the pieces fall together and in true fashion of the purpose of this blog, I will share with you what that revelation was.
The Gideon study uses hashtags at the end of each day. Sort of a summary of what you learned in a hashtag. My hashtags yesterday were:
#God will (is) demonstrate His Strength THROUGH ME (Because He is IN ME)
#convertGoodIntentionsintoObedientActions.
This study gave me confidence in KNOWING God is IN ME and will work THROUGH ME to shine His light upon the world.
Do you ever wonder if what you have in you is enough to accomplish what you are being asked to do? I find that to be a road block for me sometimes. I know God is leading me, yet I don't yet have the confidence to believe He will carry me all the way through sometimes. It's this tangible surrender from control to freedom. So it's a good struggle, but I needed confirmation that God is already IN me, and this study broke that chain for me. If you know Christ and have given your life to Him, He LIVES IN YOU. It's true. Scripture backs it up, we have to keep reading and believing truth and then it just clicks one day. One regular, unassuming, mundane day, it clicks.
The group I lead on Thursdays, it's more of a fellowship group, with the backbone of a study or a book we choose to dig into deeper. Our purpose is to get together and be there for each other every week throughout the school year. This group means a lot to me, so I try to choose books that will really help us grow as individuals and as a group.
Gideon, particularly this study, was one I started with a different study group, but when I had baby number 3, I didn't quite get to finish it. It's been 3 years since baby number 3 was born and it's been calling my name for quite some time. Fun fact: we even named our cat Gideon when we brought him home a little over a year ago!
The book I ordered off of Amazon was a used book, so imagine this:
Person number 1 has the book and took a few notes in it here and there. Person number 2 (ME!) started it in 2016 and took some notes. Now, person number 2 (me; round 2) goes back to finish. There is so much that has changed in my perceptions of what these questions are really asking. And every time I see the writing from person number 1, I pray for them, whomever and where ever they are, they are covered in prayer. I find that to be pretty cool.
Gideon is an interesting character. Gideon is found by an angel with a message from God that he is going to deliver Israel from under the hand of Midian. Judges 6:7-12: "When they cried out to the Lord because of Midian, the Lord sent a prophet to the Israelites. He said, "This is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says: I brought you up out of slavery in Egypt. I rescued you from the Egyptians and from all who oppressed you. I drove out your enemies and gave you their land. I told you, 'I am the Lord your God. You must not worship the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you now live. ' But you have not listened to me."
Then the Angel of the Lord came and sat beneath the great tree at Ophrah, which belonged to Joash of the clan of Abiezer. Gideon son of Joash was threshing wheat at the bottom of the winepress to hide the grain from the Midianites. The angel of the Lord appeared to him and said, "Mighty hero, the Lord is with you!"
Gideon was quite apprehensive at first. Imagine being tucked away in your laundry room, working away at your daily "mundane" tasks and then all of a sudden; a call to battle! It seems impossible doesn't it?? Or atleast you may wonder if you are hearing that call and is it really for you??
Yet, God, chipped away at Gideon, he chipped away at the people he placed in line to help and from the looks of things, it would not end well, yet...spoiler alert... they had a victory! Full story can be found in the book of Judges 6-8.
This is a big accomplishment and yes, Gideon did let it go to his head a little bit, but ultimately, God's work was done.
Where does this leave us?
I will tell you where it left me.
I've wrestled with the questions :
"Am I fulfilling God's will as He's calling me to do, or am I putting my own spin on what I think I hear?"
"Am I doing what I do, to give God all of the glory, or am I doing what I do for accolades?"
These are not easy questions. My hope is that God gets all of the glory all of the time, but I am human and I know that even if I think God is getting all of the glory, there has to be a glimmer of pride growing deep down and I want to keep a handle on it. So I wrestle.
The way the study was outlined is truly brilliant. We learned facts about Gideon. Relate able facts. As we moved through, I could put myself in Gideon's "sandals" (as the author
, Priscilla words it). I also was able to look more deeply at the idols I carry in my life. I can honestly say I haven't built alters like the Israelites did, but I certainly have smaller scale idols. We all do and they put a wedge between our hearts and God's Will. Honestly, it's good to look at what's holding you captive and putting distance between you and God and then look at it and tear it down.
"Your weakness. God's STRENGTH" is really highlighted as we looked at the tools God gave Gideon to fight the Midianites and the small size of his army, in comparison with the opposing team. Do you ever feel that way? Like the tools you have just don't measure up? Does it discourage you? Do you trust God to work with whatever you have? I dance between the two on a fairly regular basis. It's good to have light brought to the facts in our days. Once we are aware of what we are working with, God is free in our lives to do what He does best!
I had a fantastic revelation yesterday when I finished the Gideon study and then it was solidified in church. I love when the pieces fall together and in true fashion of the purpose of this blog, I will share with you what that revelation was.
The Gideon study uses hashtags at the end of each day. Sort of a summary of what you learned in a hashtag. My hashtags yesterday were:
#God will (is) demonstrate His Strength THROUGH ME (Because He is IN ME)
#convertGoodIntentionsintoObedientActions.
This study gave me confidence in KNOWING God is IN ME and will work THROUGH ME to shine His light upon the world.
Do you ever wonder if what you have in you is enough to accomplish what you are being asked to do? I find that to be a road block for me sometimes. I know God is leading me, yet I don't yet have the confidence to believe He will carry me all the way through sometimes. It's this tangible surrender from control to freedom. So it's a good struggle, but I needed confirmation that God is already IN me, and this study broke that chain for me. If you know Christ and have given your life to Him, He LIVES IN YOU. It's true. Scripture backs it up, we have to keep reading and believing truth and then it just clicks one day. One regular, unassuming, mundane day, it clicks.
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